


Heart Signal: Exo Reunion

by shinealightrose



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: (I still am or else I wouldn't be posting this crap), Crack Fic, DATING SHOW AU, Did I mention crack and I'm drunk?, Exo 15th reunion, I was drunk ok, M/M, References to untagged ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 10:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14470788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinealightrose/pseuds/shinealightrose
Summary: Fifteen years later, Exo reunite on a dating show. Shennanigans ensue, aka I drank too much wine and this is the result.





	Heart Signal: Exo Reunion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [London9Calling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/London9Calling/gifts).



> Watch me wake up in the morning and delete this crap. TAKE SCREENSHOTS NOW CUZ YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT'LL BE GONE!!! 
> 
> PSA, I haven’t watched the show. @london9calling told me about 2 seconds worth of info and that’s all I need. WATCH ME RUN
> 
> *OBVIOUSLY UN-BETA'ED

It’s been fifteen minutes (and fifteen years, but who’s even counting) but wow Minseok is bored. He examines his nails, a little miffed that his golden sparkles have chipped thanks to a terrifying accident in the bedroom as he moved in his luggage. What’s that guy’s name again, his new roommate? Lu… Lu something.

Apparently the producers think this show is gonna bring out Minseok’s inner romantic. His and eleven other guys’, as if they didn’t have enough of this shit fifteen years ago. Yes, it’s been fifteen years since the world famous group Exo disbanded. Minseok was almost happy to say goodbye after those frighteningly boring years of _singing_ together. He’s a professional coffee blogger now, thank you very much, and it’s a _way_ more interesting life.

Also, it doesn’t pay too well. So okay, Minseok is a bit lazy but anyways, what’s a little return to popularity gonna hurt.

Heart Signal: Exo Reunion. [Official subplotline, _Will they finally kiss!? Or kill!?]_

Minseok yawns and looks around the room. There’s that Baekhyun fellow again. A strange one, always the strange one. They used to be in a subunit or something. Better than that other fellow though. His new roommate. Minseok shudders to remember their first conversation in front of the camera, approximately ten minutes ago.

“Omigod, Minseok? Is that you!? It’s been so long!”

Minseok had gotten strangled then. Or maybe it was some form of a hug. He doesn’t know. But who really cares.

“Uhm… hello? Who are you?”

The guy had stared at him with big, doe eyes.

“I’m Lu Han?? You don’t remember me?”

“Uhhhh, do I?”

“We were super close, remember?”

Minseok’s attention dangerously averted to a separate commotion across the room where an enormous[ly skinny] fellow had just walked in, scowl in place. A smaller man confronted him, but Minseok couldn’t hear the rest of their conversation. The dude with the large sparkly eyes seemed intent continuing to talk to him.

“We were best friends? We played soccer together? Doesn’t that ring a bell?”

Minseok gives him his full undivided attention for 5.2 seconds. “Maaaaaybe.”

The way the guy’s expression falls is fairly amusing. “We went on coffee dates. Snuggled in bed every night. I proposed to you at least twenty-two times.”

Oh right. Now Minseok remembers. He thinks. “Oh yeah yeah yeah, I think I remember you now. You’re that guy from Japan, right?”

  
  


In another corner of the room, Sehun scoffs. He’s already bored, but there aren’t enough cameras around to capture him from the angle he prefers best. That’s his left side, thank you, preferably from a 45 degree angle from his nose. Chen’s at his side. He forgets the guy’s real name.

“Hey, man, is that Kris talking to Junmyeon?” says Chen.

Sehun frowns. “Hmmm. Looks like.”

Chen laughs, and it’s pretty haughty. Sehun suddenly has an inkling that he remembers liking this guy, a lot.

“Can’t believe they invited him. Did the money dry up in China or something?”

Sehun hums something noncommittal. He’s been playing it dumb this entire time, but fuck no, Kris shouldn’t be that desperate for money. Guy’s so loaded he could fill an entire bathtub with the money he’s made collectively from China and America, the show off. No, the reason he’s here now is exactly the reason Sehun is here. Sehun has his eye on him. Screw the plot of the show.

He barely registers the rest of the group assembling one at a time in the Signal House. So there’s a cast of professionals who are supposed to monitor the drama and predict who’s gonna fall in love with who? Puhhleeease. Sehun throws back his head and a glass of wine magically appears in his hand thanks to some peon of a backstage crew member. Romance shmowmance. Sehun’s been happily married for a decade, and if that traitor Kris Wu thinks he’s gonna win back Junmyeon’s heart then Sehun will happily rip off his balls and stick them where the sun don’t sh-… well, back where they’re supposed to be.

Because yeah, oops, no one knows about the marriage except Chanyeol, who got his marriage officiant licence off the internet just so he could give them away. Chanyeol who’s currently all over his longtime crush Kyungsoo, who’s currently glaring daggers at everyone who looks his way, especially at Baekhyun, who’s staring at Sehun like _wtf are you even doing here, you married hoe_ , and oh yeah, Baekhyun probably knows too. Sighs.

  
  
  


“Suho, is that really you?”

:: _flurries of red hearts flutter around his face :: backdrop noise Ooohhhhh ::_

“Uhm. I haven’t been called that in years, but yes. Hello, Kris.”

:: _flashback of their mom and pop years featuring ten unruly children ::_

“It’s been so long… I can’t believe… You look so good….”

:: _first chord progression - “Love iiiiis the mo-”_

“Really? ‘Cause you look like crap.”

:: _[Private sideline interview, Suho with a haggard expression] Really? Really they had to invite him back? What is this, are they going for some ridiculous love triangle now after all these years, don’t they know that I’m mar- I mean, making an appearance just because they asked? Really this is more like a charity event for me.] ::_

“Good to see you too, Kris, but I’m going to just… go and say hi to that dude over there. Yixing. You probably remember him? Would you care to just, go romance him because I’m sure lots of viewers would love that. Okay, bye now. See you at dinner.”

  
  


Alright, so Jongin doesn’t exactly know what he’s doing on the show. Years ago he used to pursue an onstage romance but like, that was for show. Wasn’t it?? Wasn’t it?? He’s not even sure what the PDs mean for him to do. His best talent is dancing, and there’s not even any music. Is he supposed to just make sex faces at everyone? Should he find the nearest camera and do that anyway? There are like six of them in the room, hiding neatly in every corner. Jongin’s already forgotten the script. Oh shit, the script! Someone’s going to discreetly scold him if he doesn’t do this according to the script, but all he remembers if something about Kyungsoo and Baekhyun, and shit shit shit, is he supposed to be wooing someone????

The idol days were too long ago. Jongin’s gotten too old for this shit.

“I’m too old for this shit,” he tells the nearest camera man.

There’s no response. Of course there isn’t. It’s a fucking camera. So Jongin goes for the nearest hot body. “Zitao, is that you??”

It certainly looks like Zitao. Beneath the fur jacket and the fur hat, and the fur boots, and the fur-lined phone case, it’s definitely a fur Tao.

Ten seconds go by, the slowest in Jongin’s life, before Zitao looks up, clicking his tongue as he says, “Oh hey. Jongin, yeah?”

“Uhm. Yes. I’m Jongin.”

“Cool, man. Hey where’s Sehun? I’m supposed to be talking to Sehun?”

“Sehun? Uhm, he’s over there. He’s mar- I mean, he’s in marketing right now.”

“Marketing? Is that like, making money, because I’m really good with money.”

Jongin gapes at this person he used to know. “Uhm. Yeah. Exactly. Money.”

  
  
  
  


It’s the third day of filming. Technically in ‘tv minutes’ it's’ been about half an hour, but Minseok is still bored af and buzzed on way too much caffeine. So much that that ‘Japanese’ dude is starting to look familiar.

He thinks the fan term is “ship” but wow, yeah, apparently, they’re supposed to be a ship. Minseok still doesn’t remember much.

“Lu Han?” He grins, pleased he remembered the name.

“Oh em gee! You remembered!” The guy’s giving him those heart eyes again, and wow that’s slightly disorienting.

Minseok laughs awkwardly. “Uhh yeaaaah suuure. Hah hah hah.”

“So, so … you finally remembered our _soccer dates???!”_

And uhhh, yeah, Minseok still doesn’t. He even feels just a bit bad. “Soccer? What’s a soccer?”

The drained look in this guy’s face is fairly pathetic, as all things go. Minseok smiles, finds the nearest camera and says quite clearly. “Sorry, but is this guy for real?”

  
  
  
  


It’s ‘evening’ in show-world time. Kyungsoo stares at his phone, a cameraman breathing heavily down his back, as he waits for the script-induced _text_ _message_ which is supposed to signal if anyone they met today is actually interested in one of the cast members. Kyungsoo’s phone has been lighting up for the past ten minutes with I’M INTERESTED IM INTERESTED PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME and it’s not even time for them to come in?

_From KYUNGSOO:_

_Dude quit going off script._

  


_To KYUNGSOO:_

_But, I love you._

  


_From KYUNGSOO:_

_I know. You’ve been saying this for the past twenty years. Need I remind you. We are best friends already. Romance will only complicate things. Your parents already love me, I make cookies with your mom once a week, I play golf with your dad even though I hate golf, and we have kinky sex TWICE A FUCKING WEEK_ . _Get over yourself chanyeol. I’d really hate to ruin this relationship by caving to your stupid confession ON A GODDAMN TV SHOW._

_P.S. I love you too._

  
  


Meanwhile, still in the living room, with two cameras fixated on him, Yixing accepts five-minute intervals for cuddling. The first is Baekhyun, the second is Chen. The third is Baekhyun, the fourth is a moping Chanyeol. The fifth is Baekhyun, the sixth is Jongin, who’s actually taking a nap. The seventh is Baekhyun, the eighth is Sehun, scowling and telling him his sad sad life story about being mar- marked by greatness. The ninth is Baekhyun, the tenth is Kris, who spends the whole time scowling at Sehun. The eleventh is Baekhyun, the twelfth is Show Luo.

“Oh, dude, what are you actually doing here?”

“I came to cuddle, my love. What are you doing here?”

Yixing doesn’t miss his cue. “Falling in love with you, of course.”

 

_:: TV Caption: PLOT TWIST! ::_

  
  
  
  
  


“Okay, but seriously, you don’t remember me at all?!!! We slept together for like two years?” Lu Han is still sobbing, long after the cameramen have turned in. Minseok should be sleeping. He really wants to be sleeping. He has two coffee shops to visit tomorrow to maintain his blog, and a third one to visit in another freaking country, for which he needs to be at the airport by 9am, but this _Lu Han_ dude is refusing to let him rest.

Minseok finally snaps.

“Uhh, NO. Actually I don’t remember you at all. Why would I do that? Sheeesh, I mean you even went and got a girlfriend, and that didn’t work out so you show up on our reunion tv show? Ugh.”

It’s potentially the wrong thing he could have said.

Lu Han’s eyes have LIT UP. And then, so does his smile. Minseok wants to gag. It’s the perviest thing he’s ever seen.

“You’re jealous.”

“No, I’m not.” Extra emphasis on the _noooo aspect of it._

But Lu Han has won, as Minseok always knew he would.

Lu Han’s smiling _that smile_ , and says victoriously. “Play your game all you want, Minseokkie, but I’m gonna use this show for _every_ opportunity I get and make you fall in love with me-”

  
  
  
  


THIS IS A PSA ANNOUNCEMENT.

_THE VARIETY SHOW, HEART SIGNAL: EXO REUNION, SCHEDULED FOR AIRDATE 2035, HAS BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO UNFORESEEN CONFLICT OF INTEREST BASED ON THE FORMERLY UNHEARD OF ‘SECRET’ MARRIAGE BETWEEN TWO OF THE MEMBERS, SUHO AND SEHUN, WHICH VIOLATES THE TERMS OF THE SHOW._

_OUR APOLOGIES TO THE FANS WHO ANTICIPATED ROMANCE. PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR PROPOSED SPIN-OFF ‘HEART SIGNAL, LU:  I’LL BEND LIKE A GUMNAST FOR YOU’ AUG OF 2036._

 


End file.
